Trapped!

Have you ever heard people talk about how they felt like they were a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body? I never felt that way. I knew I was fat, and I knew why. For example, my first year of college was a terrible year for eating. My roommates made a pan of brownies almost every night which we ate while we watched the movie "Mean Girls" a thousand times that year. We were not civilized about it. We didn't wait for them to cool down, we didn't use plates, sometimes we didn't even use forks! We ate them straight out of the pan. Good times... Anyway, we found chocolate on one of our door knobs once. We thought that was pretty darn funny! We came up with a Jeff Foxworthy type comedic bit because of it. It was called "Sign of a Fat Kid." Do you ever find chocolate on your door knob? Sign of a fat kid. Is there ever food on your shirt under your bosoms that you can't see and therefore don't know about? Sign of a fat kid. I don't remember all of them, but there were a bunch. It was pretty funny! Other examples of terrible eating habits that year were our frequent visits to Panda Express and Cold Stone. It's no wonder I regained the twenty pounds I lost prior to moving out to college! I was the only fat one though. The point is, I have never had that thought of "I'm a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body."

Now that I've lost 60 lbs however, I've been having a very opposite thought. I was eating a hot dog the other day and I had the thought "I am a fat girl trapped in a skinnier girl's body." Ha ha! I have all the habits of a much larger girl. I eat way too fast, so my stomach doesn't have time to tell me to stop because it is full. I need to be careful of this. I take way too big of bites. Ketchup and mustard was dripping down my hand and almost fell on my shirt (sign of a fat kid). I drink my Diet Dr. Pepper. I eat in the car when I get take out instead of waiting until I get home. Maybe everyone does that though... Anyway, this was just a funny thought that went through my head as I was eating my hot dog. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way?

Even though I have bad habits, I am still very careful by maintaining portion control. I eat fast, but there is not a lot of food on my plate. I will probably feel like a fat girl trapped in a skinnier girl's body for a long time. It will take a while for me to adjust.

Today I'm thankful for the new sound system on my tv. It's awesome.

Resolutions???

So my brother is home from Texas for Christmas, and when he first saw me he could not believe his eyes. He was absolutely shocked. It's pretty nice when I run into people I haven't seen in a while and they hardly recognize me. It happens every once in a while. Anyway, he was telling me how great I look and I was getting all embarrassed and stuff and I told him I still had a long way to go. He said I didn't have that much farther to go. This is not the typical brotherly comment I'm used to. He was trying to get me to give him numbers, which I wasn't quite willing to do. But it got me thinking. It's the end of the year, and this is the first year in a long time where it's been time to make my New Year's Resolutions and I haven't been overwhelmed by an enormous weight loss goal. It's kind of nice. In fact, weight loss isn't even the top priority on my list this year. I haven't decided yet really.

Today I'm grateful that I made the decision to live a healthier lifestyle all those months ago. It makes this time of year so much easier.

"Because You're Skinny"

When I was a little girl, I took a ballet class for two years. I loved ballet, and it was a lot of fun. But I wasn't very committed to it, as I was never a very girly girl, so I didn't continue after that. I was remembering the other day about a conversation I had with my first year ballet teacher way back then. I was probably nine years old at the time. We were taught to suck our stomachs in while dancing. When I did this, my ribs would poke out. I asked my teacher why my ribs poked out? What did that mean? Her answer was very simple. Much too simple for me to accept. She said "because you're skinny." I laughed at her and told her that was not true. All the other girls in the class were skinny, but not me!

What a sad reaction for a little girl to have. Why didn't I believe her? Here is a picture of my ballet class after our recital that year. I am in the front row in the middle, third to the right. Sorry for the terrible picture quality. I'm not the skinniest girl in the class, which must be why I didn't accept my teacher's answer. It was always one extreme or the other for me. But I was average. I look just like everyone else in the class.

Why was I thinking about this the other day? Because I'm starting to be able to see my ribs again. This is not because I am skinny. What does skinny mean anyway? Everyone seems to have their own definition. I have decided to define it as being in a healthy weight range. This means I am not quite "skinny" yet, but I am getting close. So even though I didn't believe my ballet teacher all those years ago, maybe I'll believe her soon.

Today I'm grateful for all the crazy bones I can now see. Like my ribs, and whatever the bones around your neck are.

Who are your friends really?

I've noticed a lot of changes in the months since I have lost weight and began a healthier lifestyle. Most have been really good, but it seems that there are some consequences to losing weight. How can I describe this? When you lose a significant amount of weight, you start to become a different person. It's not that I have a different personality or like different things, it's more like I'm not willing to put up with the crap I used to. I'm discovering myself, and in doing so, I'm finding out what I'm not willing to deal with.

For example, I used to be the fat friend amongst a group of skinny girls. This was definitely hard on my body image. This isn't really the case anymore. I haven't reached my goal yet, but I'm not the fat friend anymore (I don't think???) Most of my friends have been extremely supportive and have been there for me in every way they can be. But I have some friends who have slipped away in the last few months. Is this because I have changed or because they have changed? I assumed for the last few months that it was because they had changed - until a conversation I had with a family member. They told me that sometimes when people lose weight they'll have friends who can't handle it and will stop being friends with them because of it. I can't process this. Why wouldn't you be happy for a friend for changing their life for the better? I decided to research this.

After researching this, I found out that this adverse reaction from friends to weight loss is quite common. John McGrail, a clinical hypnotherapist and behavior expert says, "Human beings are hard-wired to resist change, so it's not uncommon to encounter some resistance whenever change occurs."

Accomplishing a goal can remind your unhappy friends of their own unsuccessful attempts at accomplishing their goals. It can also bring out their insecurities. These insecurities bring out snide remarks directed at me. Don't worry, I can handle it. My ego is intact.

This article I read suggested that I try to think how I would feel if the situation were switched. How would I feel if I had a friend who had lost weight? Would I feel resentment and anger and stop being friends with them, or would I feel happy for them? Well, I have had friends lose a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight in the past. I was definitely jealous! I wanted to lose weight too! Did I stop being friends with them? No! Was I genuinely happy for them? ABSOLUTELY!

This article and this blog post both had the same thing to say about the quality of friends. The friends you lose due to weight loss aren't that great of friends anyway. The friends who stick with you are friends worth having.

In thinking about this, it is totally true. It's like I said at the beginning of this post. What am I willing to deal with anyway? That blog post really made me think. If a friend can't be happy for me for becoming healthier, how much do I really care that we aren't really friends anymore?

Today, obviously, I'm grateful for my friends who stick with me through thick and thin, literally. :)

Good News Minute... and Weigh In

This week wasn't great in terms of eating. As in I ate unhealthy everyday. When I say that, I don't mean that I ate a lot, just unhealthy. I don't think I'll ever stuff myself again, it's too uncomfortable. So I wasn't that surprised when I didn't lose any weight this week. I weigh the same this week as I did last week. I'm okay with that though, because I lost 7.4 lbs in the last three weeks, one of those weeks being Thanksgiving. That's pretty good! I'll do better this week.

On a happier note, I had a very pleasant trip to the mall yesterday. Remember how I've lost quite a few inches? Well, this has been devastating on my budget, particularly since once you've gone Victoria's Secret, you can't go back... or something else that rhymes. So I've paid a visit to Victoria's Secret about once a month to replenish my stock with smaller items which has been pretty annoying and expensive, but worth it. Well, they do this thing in November called Secret Santa where you can come back in December and find out how much your card is worth. Usually it's only $10 but it can be $50, $100, or $500. My card was $100! I was freaking out! I totally deserved this! I am one lucky girl. So I got $100 worth of free stuff at Victoria's Secret that I desperately needed, and they threw in a free tank top for "spending" more than $60! Which I promptly started wearing as pajamas.

I know you guys like pictures. I got two new dresses this week. Dresses are my favorite thing to shop for, especially now. I love this new dress!

What am I thankful for today? You guessed it. Victoria's Secret.

Eyes Bigger than the Stomach

Do you wanna know how I lost the first forty pounds? By eating practically nothing every day. I would have a breakfast shake in the morning and I would eat high fiber cereal at night. Oh, and of course lots of lots of water and Diet Dr. Pepper. I knew I wasn't being healthy, but I justified it by saying I was getting all my vitamins and minerals from my breakfast shake (those things are jam packed!) and by saying whatever I wasn't getting my body could take from my extra reserves. Of course I was hungry, but I was FOCUSED like I never have been before in my life. Something in me had clicked and I just wanted the weight gone and FAST. So I was ravenous, but had no cravings. Nothing sounded good. I literally did not want to eat. I have never experienced that before, and probably never will again. Those feelings are gone now. I crave food again. But that period lasted just long enough that my habits have changed, and I have self-control and will power now.

I have wonderful people in my life who all were concerned about what I was eating. It was pretty annoying actually. I was so focused on losing weight, and everyone was telling me to eat more. But I knew they were right, and I realized that if I wanted the weight loss to stick, I would have to lose it slower and in a healthier way. So I eat a lot more normal now. I've had slow weight loss weeks and I've had incredible weight loss weeks since starting to eat more normal. I am very happy with the balance I have created.

One thing I have found since my return to eating more normal is that my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Have you heard this term before? I'll have a plate of food and I won't be able to finish it. I still give myself servings that I would have been able to eat 55 lbs ago. My stomach has shrunk significantly, and my eyes haven't adjusted yet! Something I need to be careful with. But I have learned to recognize that I am full and to PUT DOWN THE FORK! Whereas in the past I would have cleaned the plate. Unless I realize I am full when there are two bites left, then I finish. Get off my back!

Today I am grateful for my bed. It is ginormous and comfortable and warm, and much too big for my bedroom. It's been really cold lately, and I just want to stay in my bed all day long!

My Actual Goal

So I've had this blog for a little while now, and I realized that I've never actually stated what my end goal is. It's hard to know what a healthy weight is, so I looked it up based on what the Body Mass Index of a girl who is 5'1" is supposed to be. I know, I'm short. So, a girl at my height should weigh anywhere between 98 - 132 lbs.

I'm young, and I'm pretty petite, at least I think I am. I have the smallest hands of anyone I know. Does that mean I'm petite? So anyway, I'm setting my goal at 115 lbs. If there's ever a time in my life when I can reach this goal, it's right now. I'm really excited, because this is the farthest I've ever come, and I know I'll do it this time.

As for fitness goals, I don't really have any specific ones. I'm doing the Body for Life routines, which is interval training, so it's not like I have to run a mile in a set amount of minutes. I just want to continue to stay active by working out three to four times a week as my schedule allows.

As for how close I am to reaching my goal of 115 lbs, I am still too insecure to reveal that information at this point. But I do have a specific milestone in mind for when I will be ready to unleash that secret.

Today I am grateful that I can fit into my roommates jeans. I did laundry last night and my pants were still wet this morning and I needed some pants for an early morning meeting for work! It's pretty awesome to be able to swap clothes!

Lifestyle Change

One thing that me and my mom have talked about for years is the topic of today's blog post. Someone in your life is always on a diet, whether it is yourself, a friend, or a family member, someone is always on a diet. People are always talking about diets. It's the number one scam out there, it's in all the magazines and talk shows. The truth is there is no easy fix to losing weight. It's a long battle. But there are ways to make it easier.

When me and my mom would have discussions about going on a diet, we would invariably decide that we didn't want to go on a diet. Diets tend to fail. They are hard. It's just a bunch of rules that you don't want to follow. What we would decide is that we would want to just have a "lifestyle change." What does that mean? Change your lifestyle habits so that they are healthier. Don't just do a crash diet, lose a bunch of weight really fast, go back to your old habits, and gain it all back. This is called yo-yo dieting and is extremely unhealthy. Change your lifestyle, lose weight slowly, and when you're done losing weight, your habits have changed. Eat like a normal healthy person. A normal person going out for ice cream doesn't eat the whole gallon. A normal person still goes out to eat every once in a while. A normal person eats dessert. They just don't overdo it. It's okay to go out to eat. It's okay to have a cookie. If you follow too rigid of a diet plan, it is likely that it will fail. If you restrict yourself too much, you end up binging later.

I'm hoping for a lifestyle change. My diet is probably a little too strict, but I'm doing really well. I go out to eat with my friends, and I feel like I have created a good balance for myself. When I'm done losing weight, I have done it in a way that I don't believe I will have a problem with possibly gaining weight back. I'm not fixated on food anymore, it doesn't control my life. I will have a healthier lifestyle when I'm done going down this path.