It's About Freaking Time

I am finally ready to be more open. I keep mentioning how I had a specific milestone in mind for when I would reveal my weight, and I have hit that milestone. Please be gentle, it's really hard for me to reveal this information.

I stepped on the scale today and recorded a loss of 4 lbs since I last checked for a grand total of 66 lbs lost. This puts me at 140 lbs.

Why is 140 lbs a big deal to me? Because my drivers' license states that I weigh 140 lbs, and it has said that since I got it when I was sixteen. They don't weigh you, they just ask you. You can say whatever you want! I lied when I was sixteen about how much I weighed. I don't remember by how much, just that I lied, but it was at least a twenty pound lie. My drivers' license is accurate for the first time, except for maybe the picture. Maybe this is silly, but it has always been important to me.

Now, I know you can all add, which is why I never wanted to reveal my weight. I've lost 66 lbs, and I now weigh 140 lbs, which means at my peak weight I weighed 206 lbs. This is horrifying to me to let this information go. There are two sides to this number. I saw this number on the scale after Christmas 2009, and that number didn't stick around for very long. It was the biggest number I ever saw on the scale. However, there were times when I was too afraid to even step on the scale, so while 206 was the biggest number I ever saw, that doesn't mean that was the biggest number I ever weighed. I don't have the most accurate of records, but I'm guessing that by the time I went in for my neurologist appointment in February 2010 I weighed just under 200. Scary thoughts.

I will update my Progress page with my Weight and BMI charts and new inches and everything soon. Also, my goal has changed. My goal was to make it to 115 lbs, which would mean that I have another 25 lbs to lose. But as I have mentioned, I have been working with a personal trainer, and she says that since I am working out, a more realistic goal for me would be 125 lbs. This means I only have another 15 lbs to lose. This is good news, but weight loss has been slow as of late.

Today I am thankful for all the support I've had so far. I could not have made it this far without my friends and family.

Time to Get Serious Again

I thought this week would be so easy since Christmas was over. It wasn't, so now I'm back to getting serious about dieting.

New Year's Eve was awesome. Best New Year's I've had in a long time. Huge pallet fire out in the desert! Since I started off the new year right, I can continue by getting back on track. My boss is so sweet, she gave me some almond milk that will go really good with my cereal, so I can start eating that again. No more treats for a little while, which should be easy now that the holidays are over. Also, I have signed up for a 12-week contest on the website that sends me my breakfast shakes. I've done something like this before with the Body for Life workouts, but this is something that I have actually registered for. I have submitted a before essay, and will soon be submitting a before picture as of this week holding a newspaper with that day's date. After 12 weeks I'll submit an after picture and can potentially win $25,000 depending on how epic my transformation is. Don't worry, I won't be getting my hopes up, but it sure is a big incentive! So I will be working on one of my goals for this year of being more active sooner than I thought.

Today's results: I gained .06 lbs. Not a lot, I know, but I'm still annoyed. Total weight loss is now 58.2 instead of 58.8.

Today I'm thankful for spanx, enough said!

New Year's Resolutions

I mentioned in my last post that I had been thinking about what my New Year's Resolutions would be this year. I've never been very successful with New Year's Resolutions before, which is something that I've seen being addressed on other blogs. Other people are changing the word resolution to the word intention. New Year's Intentions. I feel like that is a cop out. It's like you are intending to fail by saying that. You are giving yourself the okay to not meet your goals. So I am sticking with resolutions.

As I said before, my weight loss goals aren't my top priority this year. Crazy, I know. Weight loss has been my top goal every New Year for who knows how long now. But I am getting pretty close to my goal already, so I already know I'm going to make it. I can concentrate on other things at the same time. So here they are:

• Be a positive influence to those around me. I want to be able to inspire those who read my blog as well as those I interact with in real life. This is very important to me. It feels good to know I can make a difference.
• Get a career path going from the job I currently have.
• Be more open with my friends and family.
• Make it to my goal of 115 lbs by June 2011. This is really scary to put a date to the goal, but what is a goal without a deadline?
• Be more active. It's been really cold, and my workout equipment is in my parent's garage. I need a different form of exercise I guess. That, or I need to stop being a baby and just do it anyway! I don't want to get flabby!
• Once I make it to 115 lbs, figure out how to maintain that weight and keep it off FOR GOOD!
• I have a buttload of drawing projects I need to do...

Today I am grateful for my friend Chris. He doesn't read my blog, so I'm safe using his name. :)

Resolutions???

So my brother is home from Texas for Christmas, and when he first saw me he could not believe his eyes. He was absolutely shocked. It's pretty nice when I run into people I haven't seen in a while and they hardly recognize me. It happens every once in a while. Anyway, he was telling me how great I look and I was getting all embarrassed and stuff and I told him I still had a long way to go. He said I didn't have that much farther to go. This is not the typical brotherly comment I'm used to. He was trying to get me to give him numbers, which I wasn't quite willing to do. But it got me thinking. It's the end of the year, and this is the first year in a long time where it's been time to make my New Year's Resolutions and I haven't been overwhelmed by an enormous weight loss goal. It's kind of nice. In fact, weight loss isn't even the top priority on my list this year. I haven't decided yet really.

Today I'm grateful that I made the decision to live a healthier lifestyle all those months ago. It makes this time of year so much easier.

Who are your friends really?

I've noticed a lot of changes in the months since I have lost weight and began a healthier lifestyle. Most have been really good, but it seems that there are some consequences to losing weight. How can I describe this? When you lose a significant amount of weight, you start to become a different person. It's not that I have a different personality or like different things, it's more like I'm not willing to put up with the crap I used to. I'm discovering myself, and in doing so, I'm finding out what I'm not willing to deal with.

For example, I used to be the fat friend amongst a group of skinny girls. This was definitely hard on my body image. This isn't really the case anymore. I haven't reached my goal yet, but I'm not the fat friend anymore (I don't think???) Most of my friends have been extremely supportive and have been there for me in every way they can be. But I have some friends who have slipped away in the last few months. Is this because I have changed or because they have changed? I assumed for the last few months that it was because they had changed - until a conversation I had with a family member. They told me that sometimes when people lose weight they'll have friends who can't handle it and will stop being friends with them because of it. I can't process this. Why wouldn't you be happy for a friend for changing their life for the better? I decided to research this.

After researching this, I found out that this adverse reaction from friends to weight loss is quite common. John McGrail, a clinical hypnotherapist and behavior expert says, "Human beings are hard-wired to resist change, so it's not uncommon to encounter some resistance whenever change occurs."

Accomplishing a goal can remind your unhappy friends of their own unsuccessful attempts at accomplishing their goals. It can also bring out their insecurities. These insecurities bring out snide remarks directed at me. Don't worry, I can handle it. My ego is intact.

This article I read suggested that I try to think how I would feel if the situation were switched. How would I feel if I had a friend who had lost weight? Would I feel resentment and anger and stop being friends with them, or would I feel happy for them? Well, I have had friends lose a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight in the past. I was definitely jealous! I wanted to lose weight too! Did I stop being friends with them? No! Was I genuinely happy for them? ABSOLUTELY!

This article and this blog post both had the same thing to say about the quality of friends. The friends you lose due to weight loss aren't that great of friends anyway. The friends who stick with you are friends worth having.

In thinking about this, it is totally true. It's like I said at the beginning of this post. What am I willing to deal with anyway? That blog post really made me think. If a friend can't be happy for me for becoming healthier, how much do I really care that we aren't really friends anymore?

Today, obviously, I'm grateful for my friends who stick with me through thick and thin, literally. :)

My Actual Goal

So I've had this blog for a little while now, and I realized that I've never actually stated what my end goal is. It's hard to know what a healthy weight is, so I looked it up based on what the Body Mass Index of a girl who is 5'1" is supposed to be. I know, I'm short. So, a girl at my height should weigh anywhere between 98 - 132 lbs.

I'm young, and I'm pretty petite, at least I think I am. I have the smallest hands of anyone I know. Does that mean I'm petite? So anyway, I'm setting my goal at 115 lbs. If there's ever a time in my life when I can reach this goal, it's right now. I'm really excited, because this is the farthest I've ever come, and I know I'll do it this time.

As for fitness goals, I don't really have any specific ones. I'm doing the Body for Life routines, which is interval training, so it's not like I have to run a mile in a set amount of minutes. I just want to continue to stay active by working out three to four times a week as my schedule allows.

As for how close I am to reaching my goal of 115 lbs, I am still too insecure to reveal that information at this point. But I do have a specific milestone in mind for when I will be ready to unleash that secret.

Today I am grateful that I can fit into my roommates jeans. I did laundry last night and my pants were still wet this morning and I needed some pants for an early morning meeting for work! It's pretty awesome to be able to swap clothes!

Motivation Failures

I bought this dress over three years ago to motivate me to lose weight. Don't do that, by the way. It's stupid, and it doesn't work. It didn't for me anyway. Clothes aren't a good enough motivator. Although I am very happy to fit into this dress now, you can see it didn't work to motivate me when I bought it. Everyone needs to find their own motivation that works for them. Clothes didn't work to motivate me, and neither did competition with friends or family or even money!

Anyway, I came home to show my family one day and my brother says to me, "You aren't done losing weight, are you?" Shocking. Nothing like a brother to keep you on track of your goals. To my other brother's credit, this was a different brother from the flabby comment. A third brother has told me that I look good, but that he looks better, so none of them are innocent.

As promised, I am ending this post with what I am grateful for today.

Today I am grateful for my roommate. She went on a Walmart run with me at 11:00 at night, even though she did not want to, so that I could buy nylons for work. She is pretty awesome!

This Week's Recap

This week I think went really well. I started exercising this week. In order to start exercising, I had to start eating more. I really wasn't eating enough to be able to have the metabolism to maintain an exercise program, and certain family members and friends were being annoyingly concerned, even though I TOLD them I was going to eat more. The problem was finding food that was cheap enough for me now that I am poor. It also had to be easy to prepare because I am lazy. It also had to be high energy food because I needed to eat more to start exercising. A lot of foods fit in this category, it turns out, but I am also a very picky eater. So I added oatmeal and eggs to my diet, and it worked out very well this week.

On Monday I did my first Body for Life running routine, and it couldn't have been a more positive experience. Tuesday I did the Body for Life upper body workout with free weights. Wednesday I did another running routine, and Friday I did the Body for Life lower body workout with free weights. Body for Life is killer. I'm ridiculously sore. I've done a whole Body for Life session in the past, which is 12 weeks of doing these routines six days a week. I'm not gonna do that. I felt four days this week was sufficient. My goal is going to be to do these Body for Life routines three to four times a week, depending on how hectic my school and work schedules are.

The results: Sundays are my official weigh in days. I lost another 0.6 pounds. They say muscle weighs more than fat, so maybe I gained a bunch of muscle this week??? Probably not quite yet. I always figured that was a load of bull. Anyways, things are going well. Another 2 sticks of butter are missing since last week. Yeah!

I've been asked to post some before and after pictures. I'm not done losing weight yet, but I guess I can do that here in a couple of days.