Don't Deny Your Pleasures

Anyone who knows me can’t deny that I find pleasure in life. I am by nature a happy person. If I am in a good mood, it is likely that I am laughing about something. I find myself defending myself constantly for either laughing at someone or laughing too much. My only defense is this: I’m not laughing for any reason other than to express my contentment. I have no intention to make fun of anybody; I laugh because I am happy. I also tend to think things are funny longer than I should, but that’s a quirk that people are just gonna have to deal with. As Stephen King says, “You can’t deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.” I have often wondered if maybe the real issue is an annoying laugh. Is my laugh annoying? Well, I just wish that I could hear other people laugh more often. I love the sound of laughter, it is beautiful.

As you may have guessed, my post today is another for the Self Discovery Word-by-Word Series. The host this month is Joy at Being Joy, and the word she selected is Pleasure.

I have spent a great deal of my life avoiding pleasure. It’s like I feel guilty if I enjoy myself too much. Why is that? I’ve worked hard my whole life. I deserve to have fun. It seems that it has only been recently that I have invited pleasure into my life. I tend to deny myself the things I love. This is usually for a greater purpose, but it never works out how it should.

I take pleasure in unconventional things – for a girl anyway. I like action movies and video games. When I was in college, I went up with a Playstation, and I downloaded a bunch of old NES games on my computer. What this meant was that I never did homework. In order to get back on track, I began to deny myself the pleasure of playing these games and I took all the games off of my computer, as I felt they were wasting my life away. Was I more productive with my schoolwork? Of course not. I wasted my life away with other crap that I took less pleasure in.

I have always found real pleasure in certain food groups. I LOVE ice cream. I will never get sick of ice cream. I denied myself the pleasure of ice cream my entire second year of college. I was really good about it. I might have cheated once or twice, but I basically never had ice cream that year. It was rough, but I did it. Did I lose any weight that year from denying myself of my favorite treat? Of course not! Because I ate other crap instead! The other food I deny myself to this day is good breakfast cereal. Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Reese’s Puffs. That stuff is freaking GOOD. You can’t have one bowl without eating half the box. Okay, maybe I could now that I have more self control… or maybe not. That’s why I don’t eat it anymore! I deny myself that pleasure.

What I have learned is that denying yourself of your pleasures doesn’t work. You replace those pleasures with other things that don’t satisfy you as much, and the end result is the same. I still didn’t do my homework, and I still ate garbage and didn’t lose weight.

I have other pleasures that I have never denied myself. I love art and music. I also take pleasure in helping and influencing those around me. It feels good to know I can make an impact. That’s why I do my blog. Today I am grateful for opportunities I have had to influence people’s lives for the better.

Creativity and Body Image?

The Self-Discovery Word by Word Series prompt for this month is Creativity. The host for this month is Margarita at Weightless.

This is funny to me because everyone always assumes that I am creative, when I know that I am not. People think that I am creative because I draw and do other crafty things. However, I am an imitator, not a creator. I cannot create without an image being put in front of me. When I am inspired to make something crafty, it is never from my own head. When I found out I could draw, people would encourage/harass me to try to develop my creative side and see what I could come up with on my own. It seemed that no matter how I tried to explain it, I could not convince people that I did not have the talent to create, only to imitate. I am okay with this. It's funny to me that other people aren't.

My non-creativity translates to other aspects of my life, which is how this relates to my blog. The prompt was Body Image & Creativity. How in the world are they related? How in the world is creativity related to my weight loss journey? Well, for starters, I have the most success in losing weight each week when I eat the same thing every day, day after day. I find a meal that suits me that has a proper allotment of calories and I eat it every day. When I get tired of eating the same thing, I eat more normal and don't lose as much weight. When I try to be more creative with my eating habits, I am less successful.

As for body image, I have written before about how I always thought my body image issues would go away once I lost weight, but they haven't. In this way I have been somewhat successful at being creative, because I have had to come up with creative ways to battle this. I have found that dressing in new and creative ways helps me feel better about my image. Same with making sure my hair is done and my make-up looks right. I started wearing lip gloss for the first time ever. It doesn't fix the problem, but these little things definitely have helped me to see myself in the mirror as what I am and not what I was. I still run into those days where I say to myself "who has time for all of this?" But on the days I spend time on myself, I definitely feel more confident.

Today I am thankful for sincere compliments. It's nice when people notice on the days I try.

Trapped!

Have you ever heard people talk about how they felt like they were a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body? I never felt that way. I knew I was fat, and I knew why. For example, my first year of college was a terrible year for eating. My roommates made a pan of brownies almost every night which we ate while we watched the movie "Mean Girls" a thousand times that year. We were not civilized about it. We didn't wait for them to cool down, we didn't use plates, sometimes we didn't even use forks! We ate them straight out of the pan. Good times... Anyway, we found chocolate on one of our door knobs once. We thought that was pretty darn funny! We came up with a Jeff Foxworthy type comedic bit because of it. It was called "Sign of a Fat Kid." Do you ever find chocolate on your door knob? Sign of a fat kid. Is there ever food on your shirt under your bosoms that you can't see and therefore don't know about? Sign of a fat kid. I don't remember all of them, but there were a bunch. It was pretty funny! Other examples of terrible eating habits that year were our frequent visits to Panda Express and Cold Stone. It's no wonder I regained the twenty pounds I lost prior to moving out to college! I was the only fat one though. The point is, I have never had that thought of "I'm a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl's body."

Now that I've lost 60 lbs however, I've been having a very opposite thought. I was eating a hot dog the other day and I had the thought "I am a fat girl trapped in a skinnier girl's body." Ha ha! I have all the habits of a much larger girl. I eat way too fast, so my stomach doesn't have time to tell me to stop because it is full. I need to be careful of this. I take way too big of bites. Ketchup and mustard was dripping down my hand and almost fell on my shirt (sign of a fat kid). I drink my Diet Dr. Pepper. I eat in the car when I get take out instead of waiting until I get home. Maybe everyone does that though... Anyway, this was just a funny thought that went through my head as I was eating my hot dog. I wonder if anyone else has ever felt that way?

Even though I have bad habits, I am still very careful by maintaining portion control. I eat fast, but there is not a lot of food on my plate. I will probably feel like a fat girl trapped in a skinnier girl's body for a long time. It will take a while for me to adjust.

Today I'm thankful for the new sound system on my tv. It's awesome.

An Irrational Fear

I am afraid of Cafe Rio. I used to love that place! I'm not a big fan of Mexican food, but this place sure knows how to make it. It is soooooooooooo good. Their sweet pork is to DIE for. At an old job I used to have we would have Cafe Rio Wednesdays, and we'd get Cafe Rio every week. Someone would take orders and pick it up for everyone. I would look forward to Wednesdays so I could have my Cafe Rio. Seriously, this stuff is good. But, it does come in rather large portions and I was never very careful and I would get sick to my stomach from eating too much of it.

Since losing so much weight, I have tried to eat things I used to love and gotten sick. I guess my stomach just can't handle what it used to be able to. I haven't tried Cafe Rio yet. I haven't eaten there in at least six months, maybe more.

I had an interesting experience a little while ago. I was driving to the grocery store when all of a sudden someone was honking at me. I look to the car next to me and see my two brothers and my sister-in-law. I roll down my window and they tell me they are on their way to Cafe Rio to meet my parents and that I should come. I thought about it for a minute and said I'd go, but that I wasn't going to eat there. We drove our separate ways.

I arrived at the complex where Cafe Rio is located where I used to have such feelings of excitement! It's right next to a Sonic Drive-In (they have really good Diet Dr. Pepper) and some shopping areas. It's a cool area. But as I drove in that day, I noticed a very different feeling. It was a feeling of dread and horror. I had lost so much weight and here I was driving right into a place I used to eat all the time.

I sat and watched my family eat their food. I didn't want to eat any, and I wasn't even jealous of their food because I was too afraid of how it would make me feel. Eating it had made me sick before (but only from eating too much), how would it possibly make me feel now?

I don't really have anything to be afraid of. Cafe Rio uses fresh and healthy ingredients. It's the same as anywhere else, really. I would just have to be careful with portions. But I have this emotional attachment to this place that makes me fear it. I don't know when or if I will ever eat there again.

Today I am grateful for my coworkers again. They help even the most annoying situations seem hilarious!

Transformation

It is the start of a brand new year. I have my New Year's Resolutions prepared. They seem so much easier this year than they ever have in years past. They are not incredibly overwhelming. It is doable.

So how have I changed from 2010 to 2011? Oh my gosh, I feel like a completely different person. Inside and out. There are definitely a lot of factors involved in my transformation. 2010 was a big year for me. A year I will never forget. To start off with though, let's show you a picture of me last year around the holidays.

And here is a picture of me from almost exactly one year later. Big difference, right? This was right after a Mary Kay party, so I'm wearing a lot of make up...

But honestly, my weight is only one change that I went through this last year. I never really had a big problem with self-esteem, and I've always accepted my personality quirks. But this year I had some self-worth issues that I had never really dealt with before that I was able to work through. I'm still working through my body image issues. I have a long way to go before I can say that I am 100% happy with myself, but I can definitely say that I am a different person today than I was one year ago. I am close to 60 lbs lighter, I react to people's approach in a more positive manner, I am more loose, I have been working on being friendlier, and I am much happier.

Today I'm grateful to everyone who impacted my life in a positive manner in 2010 and helped me become a better person.

Christmas Reflections

Isn't Christmas the best time of year? This has been a good one. My life is so much simpler this year than it has been in year's past. My favorite part about Christmas is giving presents. I pride myself on my gift giving skills. Nothing makes me happier than to get a good reaction from a present.

Christmas is a good time to reflect on the year as it comes to a close. 2010 is a year I will never forget. So many changes took place in the course of this year for me (like losing close to 59 pounds among other things), and I don't remember a year I've been happier. Here are my top nine days (I'm lame and couldn't think of a spectacular tenth day worth mentioning) in 2010:

9. Trip to Crystal Hot Springs. Swimming and Campfire afterwards - doesn't get better than that!

8. Day before Thanksgiving when I went four wheeling with a bunch of friends.

7. Jazz Game back in February with a few friends - almost witnessed my friend get into a fight after being told that his cheering was annoying, it was pretty funny!

6. Poker Night - Out of nine people playing, I came in third. What?!? Normally I'm one of the first out!

5. UFC Fight Night - I never would have guessed that I would enjoy watching men fight, but it really is very entertaining!

4. Trip to Provo to visit the afflicted. Me and two friends drove down to see an old friend of ours who was getting married soon - meaning we were never gonna see him again, so it was basically like he was dying. Went out to eat, had a big campfire, good times.

3. The night I was told I had written a very thoughtful letter. I know, I'm lame for being vague.

2. Illegal fireworks in Plain City for Independence Day - which we happened to be celebrating on my birthday. Corruption! Best firework EVAR! Best birthday EVAR! I will never enjoy regular fireworks again.

1. 311 Concert in July - I've seen them live twice, and they are AMAZING. They put on such a good show! I spent a few months working on getting cheap tickets, finally found a good deal and got a bunch of tickets for a bunch of friends and got off work early that day. 311 did not disappoint! There were crazy people everywhere, crazy stuff happened, lots of good stories, and lots of good times!

2011 should be just as great. To end my post, here is me in my Christmas dress. My roommate had me pose, and I felt really silly.

Today I'm thankful for all the good fortune that has befallen me this year and for my friends and family who I'm sharing the Christmas holidays with. I hope those of them that are reading this recognize the events above that they shared with me. Merry Christmas everyone!

What I See in the Mirror

Today you will find my post elsewhere. I did a guest post at A Merry Life. Mary is awesome, and I'm so excited that she let me have the opportunity to write on her website!

Here is the link to get to her website:

http://amerrylife.com/2010/12/16/rosies-look-in-the-mirror/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+amerrylife/EBQq+(A+Merry+Life)

"Because You're Skinny"

When I was a little girl, I took a ballet class for two years. I loved ballet, and it was a lot of fun. But I wasn't very committed to it, as I was never a very girly girl, so I didn't continue after that. I was remembering the other day about a conversation I had with my first year ballet teacher way back then. I was probably nine years old at the time. We were taught to suck our stomachs in while dancing. When I did this, my ribs would poke out. I asked my teacher why my ribs poked out? What did that mean? Her answer was very simple. Much too simple for me to accept. She said "because you're skinny." I laughed at her and told her that was not true. All the other girls in the class were skinny, but not me!

What a sad reaction for a little girl to have. Why didn't I believe her? Here is a picture of my ballet class after our recital that year. I am in the front row in the middle, third to the right. Sorry for the terrible picture quality. I'm not the skinniest girl in the class, which must be why I didn't accept my teacher's answer. It was always one extreme or the other for me. But I was average. I look just like everyone else in the class.

Why was I thinking about this the other day? Because I'm starting to be able to see my ribs again. This is not because I am skinny. What does skinny mean anyway? Everyone seems to have their own definition. I have decided to define it as being in a healthy weight range. This means I am not quite "skinny" yet, but I am getting close. So even though I didn't believe my ballet teacher all those years ago, maybe I'll believe her soon.

Today I'm grateful for all the crazy bones I can now see. Like my ribs, and whatever the bones around your neck are.

Authenticity: A Strength or Weakness?

It's time for this months edition of the Self Discovery Word by Word Series. This month it is being hosted by Katie at Health for the Whole Self and the word she picked was authenticity.

When I first found out that the word for this month was authenticity, I was in the dark a little. I just didn't have an immediate idea of what I would write about like I did with the other topics. Gratitude was super easy for me, of course. With the vulnerability topic, I immediately knew what I would talk about, it was just hard for me to decide to open up. It's hard for me to want to talk about my weaknesses. I had to dig pretty deep to decide what thoughts I had on authenticity.

I obviously know what authenticity is. Being authentic is being original. It is being true to one's own personality. I think I am perhaps a little too good at being true to my personality. One of my favorite bands is 311. They have a song called "Strong All Along" and my favorite lyric goes:

Don't be afraid whatever you've got, show

Flaunt your personality, let me know your style

I am a BIG advocate for flaunting your personality. When people meet me, they tend to get to know me pretty fast. I showcase my personality, and I want to see other peoples personalities too. Of course, this isn't always a good thing. Some people see me for what I am, which is someone who is reaching out to others and legitimately wants to have fun. But my big personality intimidates others. I accept myself for who I am, but this is something I have been trying to work on. I am straightforward and loud, but I have been trying not to scare people.

I am definitely authentic when it comes to being true to my personality. Another side to authenticity is how genuine you are. You know when you talk to someone who is so perfectly nice, and when you finish your conversation with them you have the feeling that they were just so fake? Yeah, you'll NEVER get that with me. Why? I can't fake it. I am 100% genuine at all times. This is not a good thing. I really try super hard to be nice, but people can see right through me! When someone talks to me, they know EXACTLY how I feel about them. I'm too authentic for my own good I guess. I cannot not be genuine, no matter how hard I try. Lucky for me, I genuinely like most people I interact with, so I don't have to worry about it too often.

Authenticity sounds like it should be a strength, but in my case I would call it a weakness. Perhaps if I could learn to tone it down a little? Mix in a warm glass of shut the heck up every once in a while? Definitely something I need to learn to do.

I don't really know how to relate this to my weight loss journey. However, I have really liked this Self Discovery Word by Word Series. As I have lost weight and continue to lose weight, I discover more about myself each day. I am working on the things about myself I want to change, and I have accepted the things I can't change. This series gives me the opportunity for self reflection.

Today I'm thankful for my co-workers. They got to know me pretty fast, and they accept me weaknesses and all. They know I'm just playin.

Who are your friends really?

I've noticed a lot of changes in the months since I have lost weight and began a healthier lifestyle. Most have been really good, but it seems that there are some consequences to losing weight. How can I describe this? When you lose a significant amount of weight, you start to become a different person. It's not that I have a different personality or like different things, it's more like I'm not willing to put up with the crap I used to. I'm discovering myself, and in doing so, I'm finding out what I'm not willing to deal with.

For example, I used to be the fat friend amongst a group of skinny girls. This was definitely hard on my body image. This isn't really the case anymore. I haven't reached my goal yet, but I'm not the fat friend anymore (I don't think???) Most of my friends have been extremely supportive and have been there for me in every way they can be. But I have some friends who have slipped away in the last few months. Is this because I have changed or because they have changed? I assumed for the last few months that it was because they had changed - until a conversation I had with a family member. They told me that sometimes when people lose weight they'll have friends who can't handle it and will stop being friends with them because of it. I can't process this. Why wouldn't you be happy for a friend for changing their life for the better? I decided to research this.

After researching this, I found out that this adverse reaction from friends to weight loss is quite common. John McGrail, a clinical hypnotherapist and behavior expert says, "Human beings are hard-wired to resist change, so it's not uncommon to encounter some resistance whenever change occurs."

Accomplishing a goal can remind your unhappy friends of their own unsuccessful attempts at accomplishing their goals. It can also bring out their insecurities. These insecurities bring out snide remarks directed at me. Don't worry, I can handle it. My ego is intact.

This article I read suggested that I try to think how I would feel if the situation were switched. How would I feel if I had a friend who had lost weight? Would I feel resentment and anger and stop being friends with them, or would I feel happy for them? Well, I have had friends lose a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight in the past. I was definitely jealous! I wanted to lose weight too! Did I stop being friends with them? No! Was I genuinely happy for them? ABSOLUTELY!

This article and this blog post both had the same thing to say about the quality of friends. The friends you lose due to weight loss aren't that great of friends anyway. The friends who stick with you are friends worth having.

In thinking about this, it is totally true. It's like I said at the beginning of this post. What am I willing to deal with anyway? That blog post really made me think. If a friend can't be happy for me for becoming healthier, how much do I really care that we aren't really friends anymore?

Today, obviously, I'm grateful for my friends who stick with me through thick and thin, literally. :)

Insert Clever Headline Here

So my friend Hannah at Hannah's Reductions tagged me in her latest blog post. I love reading her blog. She lives in New Zealand and is doing great on her weight loss journey. Her tag couldn't have come at a better time. The post I had set up to publish today is actually going to be a guest post on another blog on another day, which I'm really excited about. So I needed something else to do for today.

I really love the questions that she asked me, and I am SO excited to address them.

1) What is your biggest temptation to slip? Food or Emotion?

BOTH. Let me add a third though, and that would be peer pressure from friends (to any of them reading, don't worry, I'm not mad). I love food. It is delicious. Especially when you've had a bad day. Throw in a friend calling and saying "hey, let's go get dinner," and see if you can battle that. So yeah, I slip a lot. But it's okay, because I'm careful with portions, and like I've said a million times, I'm going for a lifestyle change, and it's working out for me.

2) Do you like what you see in the mirror currently?

Funny you should ask! That's actually what my guest post is about. It really depends on the day. I'll skip this one until you guys get to read the guest post. I'll put a link to the website it will be on once it is published.

3) What is the best tip/thing you think helps you with your current goal to lose weight?

Moral support from your family and friends. For example, if you have a friend who wants to go out for ice cream when you have just barely started your diet, and you tell them no, but they persist? It's okay to say no if you don't want ice cream. If that friend of yours decides that ice cream is more important than your friendship, so be it. I'm not saying that happened to me though... :)

Another thing is getting back on the horse. If you have a bad day, start again RIGHT AWAY. Not tomorrow, not next Monday, not next month! When I have a terrible lunch, I have to remind myself to go right back on my diet after lunch. Having a bad lunch doesn't make it a free binge day!

4) What do you think is the hardest thing about the weight loss journey?

Honestly the hardest thing about my weight loss journey has surprisingly been the emotional roller coaster. I had no idea how emotional it would be. I had no idea that losing weight would make me a different person. There may be other factors involved as well, but losing fifty pounds is a pretty big deal! I'm becoming a new person and the emotions are pretty crazy, and I'm definitely not used to it.

Today I am grateful for friends who call and say "hey, let's go get dinner." If I'm gonna slip, someone else better too!

My Vulnerabilities Exposed

Vulnerable: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

I’ve been really excited for the next topic in the Self Discovery Word by Word Series. This month it is being hosted by Karen at Before & After: A Real Life Story. But then I found out that the word this month was vulnerability. Dang. This is not a subject I really want to talk about. Gratitude was super easy for me. I have a lot to be grateful for. But vulnerability is something that is not easy for me to discuss. That is why this post is my version of the popular Exposed Movement.

I am a pretty strong person. I am loud and obnoxious, and I have a big personality. I have been told that I don’t know how to whisper. I tend to intimidate people, which is definitely something that I do not do on purpose. I love to help and inspire people, but something about my personality tends to scare people. That is until they get to know me a little better. Then they figure out I’d never hurt anyone on purpose. I like to joke around and have fun (sometimes at the expense of whoever I'm with, oops). Being vulnerable is the LAST thing that people who know me would ever expect me to feel.

People assume that I am strong and have no emotion. They assume I’m never vulnerable. They assume wrong.

Those who know me the best have seen me at my most vulnerable moments. A while ago, I had a very stressful job for a year and a half, and I didn’t have a lot of support during that time. After that year and a half, I changed jobs within the same institution. Everyone knew me and knew my previous situation and they took me in and treated me like a wounded puppy. They knew what a strong person I was, but they could also sense that I had a bad time. They were like family. Well, a customer service situation came up at work one day that got pretty intense. My new coworkers came right to my aid and had my back and stood by my side in everything. I got teary eyed. Me being the person I am tried to hide this, but they caught on. They thought it was because of the intense situation. Believe me, I can handle intense situations. If I am anything, it is strong! I intimidate, not the other way around. The reason I got teary eyed was because I was not used to having the support of my coworkers like I did then. Having them rush to my aid like that was very new and refreshing, and it meant a lot to me, and I got emotional.

In regards to my weight loss journey, feeling vulnerable is something that I have felt a lot more than I am used to. I have mentioned time and again how emotional this journey has been. I’m not used to these emotions, so it’s very new for me. I’m used to being a rock! But when you lose a significant amount of weight, you start to become a new person. I’m still trying to figure myself out. While I’m figuring this out, I’m very susceptible to feelings of vulnerability. Things that never would have hurt my feelings before are starting to bother me. I bounce back quickly, because that’s just how I am. Things that people say or even what people don’t say can have an impact on me, which is new. Unfulfilled expectations from my weight loss journey also leave me feeling emotionally wounded.

How can I end this positively? Feelings of vulnerability are definitely a new thing for me since I’ve lost weight. But guess what else? I’m happier than I remember ever being. I’m not the same person I used to be, and I’m discovering more about myself every day. So I guess I’m grateful for feelings of vulnerability, because that makes me a little more normal. If I have to deal with some painful emotions to be this happy, I think I can handle that.

Here's Hoping

Every summer since I was eighteen I've been pretty successful at losing up to twenty pounds. And then the school starts and I gain it all back. Whether it was because I moved out for college, or because of the holidays, or because it gets cold and depressing, or whatever reason. It is a different reason every year probably. I am determined not to let that happen again. Here we are and it is already well into fall, and I haven't started gaining the weight back yet, so, as the title suggests, here's hoping.

I've never lost this much weight before. This time it will stick. This time I will make it to my end goal. I've always wondered if maybe it was because the holidays come around, and I pig out with the holiday season. But I hate Thanksgiving food. I mentioned that when I was younger I was "dianosed" with Celiac Disease and wasn't supposed to eat gluten for seven years before I was told that I didn't really have that. Well, gluten is in pretty much everything except potatoes and rice. Therefore, I have an extreme aversion to potatoes. So here comes Thanksgiving with turkey and gravy and potatoes. Not a huge fan of turkey or gravy, and I HATE potatoes. Stuffing? Nah. Salads are all right, nothing to get too excited about. And when it comes to dessert, pie is NOT my thing. I've never had a good pie crust. Crust tastes like cardboard to me. If I'm gonna have dessert, I want ice cream. So let's just say Thanksgiving isn't my holiday. So why is it that it messes me up every year?

It won't this year. I don't have the relationship with food this year that I've had in years past. I don't eat just to eat anymore.

Fall is a dreary time of year. It starts getting cold. The sky is dark, and the sun goes down sooner. Summer is over, and it's not coming back for months! Did I start overeating to comfort me? Sort of like how people go tanning in the winter? I don't know. I really don't know what would happen in years past to make me overeat after my summer weight loss. What I do know is that I am aware of this pattern, and I have a lot more to lose this year by not paying attention to this pattern. This year I've lost 47 pounds, not 20. This means that I will be much more careful.

Today I'm thankful for bank holidays. That's right, I am totally not at work today, HA!

The Fat Funny One

This post is actually a continuation of the Timeline in Pictures. That post was getting too long and somewhat off topic, so I decided to split it into two posts.

As I had mentioned, this weight loss journey has been extremely emotional. I almost feel like I am losing my sense of identity. My identity for as long as I can remember has been the fat girl. As I have shown you in the previous post, this hasn't necessarily been true, which is one of the reasons why this has been so emotional. Such a waste of negativity.

Fat girls are insecure about themselves, and to hide behind it they are the "funny" ones in the group. Are there any funny skinny girls out there? Was I funny in junior high before I got fat? I don't remember. Has anyone out there seen the buses that drive around with the Golds Gym advertisement that says "Tired of being the fat funny one?" That always rang true to me. I was tired of being the fat funny one. But can I still be funny now that I am losing weight? Am I still the same person? Now that I won't have to hide behind the insecurities of my body and I won't have to "make up for it" by being funny, what kind of person will I be?

This is the kind of thinking that has been driving me crazy lately. My brain is definitely going to have to do some rewiring. I can't lose all this weight and make it to my end goal and then spend the rest of my life still thinking of myself as the fat girl.

Sorry for the downer posts, I'll get back to my perky self now. Today I am grateful for the FC Twin System that finally came in the mail. I've been playing the old Nintendo games nonstop! Yeah for Mario, Duck Hunt, and Punch Out and for friends who play with me!

Timeline in Pictures

The weight loss journey is extremely emotional. Anyone who has lost a lot of weight will tell you that. It has been a real emotional roller coaster. I have thought that I was fat my whole life. But in looking at pictures from growing up, I wasn't. I didn't get fat until high school. I remember the first time I decided that I was fat. I think that I was probably in fifth grade. I was about eighty pounds. It's crazy the things that I remember. I found out that my friend who was a year older than me was only seventy pounds. I was horrified that I was younger than her and weighed ten pounds more than her. She was teeny and very petite, and she was a ballet dancer. It was only natural that I would weigh ten pounds more than her. I didn't realize this back then and decided I was fat.

Look at this picture of me dressed up for Halloween back in seventh grade. Not fat, yet I thought I was.

This picture of me playing the clarinet in eighth grade? (I know, I'm cool) Look at those pants! I can't wait to be able to look that good in jeans again. This picture is actually a source of motivation for me, because I know I've looked good before, so I can again.

This picture of me on the last day of ninth grade, look at my face. I don't even have a hint of a double chin.

It makes me so mad that I wasted so much time my whole life with negative thinking when I didn't need to. I think that because I wasn't the skinniest girl in my grade, I thought I was fat. If I wasn't one extreme, I was the other. For every single one of these pictures, I thought at that point in time in my life that I was fat. What a waste.

This picture is from my sophomore year of high school. You can see my face is starting to fill out.

You can definitely see it in this picture.

Here's a second picture of me playing the clarinet, this time my senior year of high school instead of eighth grade. Huge difference, right?

By graduation, I was a big tubby. My body has absolutely no shape.

Check out my arms in this picture with my kitty cat.

This is me on the left after my first year of college when me and my roommates ate like crazy all year. Thunder thighs and double chin.

So how did this happen? I've been thinking a lot about it. What happened in high school that I started eating more? I think I have figured it out. I found out my sophomore year of high school that I did not have Celiac Disease, a disease which makes you sick if you eat gluten, which is in pretty much everything, like wheat, barley, and rye. So when I found out I didn't have it after seven years of thinking that I did (I never stuck to the diet very well anyway, because I never got sick from eating gluten) I started eating gluten products like pizza and donuts like crazy because I didn't have to show restraint anymore. I also started working in fast food. I loved that job, it was so much fun and I loved the people I worked with, and I hate to say it, but I ate that food pretty much every day. Who knows, maybe I would have gotten fat anyway. I love food, and I have an addictive personality, so it's a good thing I don't drink or smoke. But those are the culprits I have found. I can't change the past, but I can change the future.

What am I grateful for today? Today I am grateful for all the trials I've been through in my life. Everyone always says this, but everything I just said in this post I am grateful for because it is a learning experience. I now know what not to do in my future. I am grateful for the mistakes I've made in my life so that I won't make them again.